


Hired

by Ovmalk



Category: Undertale
Genre: Adult Language, F/M, I like damsels in distress, You Have Been Warned, You can't keep your hands off the skele, baby's first undertale fic, mild violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:01:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8039896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ovmalk/pseuds/Ovmalk
Summary: This fic started as a series of inside jokes about how I transitioned from violent videogames to the most peaceful videogame I even played, and yet kept my kill the bad guy, rescue the damsel, save the world mentality.
Warnings: Reader is overprotective of papyrus. Reader has a particular set of skills. This is a 90s action flick. You get the picture.Summary: You get hired as Papyrus' bodyguard.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for a ransom I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my Papyrus go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." - you get the idea.

Imagine if you will that you have no context for a story, you've just started reading and it expects you to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Those shoes are walking down a street, you immediately think of the streets of your own home, that works. So you walk down the street carrying your purse with your whole life inside of it, your passport, your wallet, your cellphone, your knife, your pepper spray, both your id cards and your money. At this point you expect everything to get stolen at once, slung over your opposing shoulder or not. Especially with the setup you've been given. You are a target after all.

Apparently you're in luck because there's a bigger target. This is how this story really starts. Monsters have been on the surface for a few months and you know how that realistically goes. So realistically this can happen in the middle of the street at 1:PM when the lunch hour traffic is dying out. It started out with some run of the mill harassment. Some fake offense being thrown around and a little bit of puffing chests. What made it worst was that the skeleton involved was a sweet baby twig and already you're hoping to get him out of the situation as soon as possible.

The first instinct is the pepper spray. The knife is often forgotten- which begs the question of why you even have the thing in the first place, other than aesthetic. It's a skeleton knife after all, we'll get back to this, for now hold that thought. Of course you don't immediately spray anyone. You ask nicely. "Hey kids, what's the problem here?"

"Move along lady this isn't your problem."  
"It really is when I-"  
"No it's not"  
"It is when he tells you to stop."  
"You don't know what's happening here."  
"Why don't you tell me? I'm all ears and happy to listen to you."

There we go, the human stepped away from the monster a good two feet, more than perfect. So you interrupt whatever explanation he starts to give and address the monster instead, the human completely forgotten. "C'mere buddy, don't look at him, just- there we go, good stuff." Now the monster's behind you.

"Look I know how it looks but you have no context for this" well the human's not completely wrong. "You don't know what happened, this monster tripped me, he knows he can get away with it cause people will jump to help him first."  
"I very much apologized for that!" The skeleton piped up, blessed with quite the lung for someone with only bones.  
"This sounds like such a non-problem to me, you have no idea." You tell the human. "You know how this looks, buddy, you're not gonna get in trouble with me, but if you come close to my new friend here and to me we're going to have a huge problem and you already know how people are gonna take it. How about we just back it up, here." You glance at the monster behind you. "C'mon let's leave, I actually have places to be, and I'm in such a hurry, you don't even know."

"Hey you're not going anywhere-" ah so he reached out to touch you, the pepper spray it is. You pull it out and unlock it with your thumb.  
"You back the fuck off! Touch me and I'll empty this entire can into your tear ducks, see if I fucking don't!" You have no idea how this works. But by some miracle it does.  
"Hey you don't have to fly off the handle like that, weirdo, what is wrong with you? Crazy bitch did you see-" But at this point you don't care. You're not gonna convince this guy of anything, all you wanted was the three feet of distance he gave you to wave the skeleton along and lead the way with him away from the people shouting you down. If anything you took way too much time ending that situation and you'd be sure to beat yourself up over it later. But realistically things are messy and it's harder to think fast than people think.

"We weren't done talking, it's so rude to leave someone with the words still in their mouths, human. But they were rude, I suppose we could." The skeleton reasoned behind you. Your adrenaline had your fingers numb so you caught yourself and flexed them but said nothing until you couldn't hear anything but the complaints the humans had for each-other about you in a good distance.  
"We need to get in a car, buddy, or in a business." You tell him. "I'm a stranger, I don't expect you to get in a car with me. Let's go in here." You add, stepping into an ice-cream store with the skeleton in symbolic tow. Want some water? What's your name?" That wasn't fair, let's try again. You offer your name first then gesture at him to tell you his.  
"I am the great Papyrus!" Oh boy this guy was going to be a pain in the ass. He sounded arrogant as ol' hell. That's alright, people have called you arrogant too, they're probably onto something. "Mascot to the underground and ex trainee for the royal guard'"  
"Sweet! Me too." You half-joke.  
"Really?! Wowie!" This makes you laugh harder, not at him, with him. Alright so not a pain in the ass at all.  
"Give me a sec." You ask and turn to the person working here. "Can I have a water please? Thank you." The guy serving here was smiling at your conversation so you smile back to include him in good humor. "Sorry about that-"  
"Not at all"  
"Papyrus was it? I know you didn't need any rescuing or anything, it's not that I think you can't handle yourself. You know how it is, it looked kind of like a mess so people get involved." So far your experience has been you getting involved and nobody else but you chalk it up to bad luck. You're sure the kind of people who get involved must be somewhere else at the moment. Hopefully.

You pay for your water and put your pepper spray away with your knife. This catches his attention. "You do art? That seems like a model or a doll."  
"Huh? No I can't show you what that is in here, but when we're outside I will. It's not a doll or a model. Did you have somewhere to be?"  
"I do, I was trying to get home."  
"Oh god I'm keeping you, let's wait for shit to die down and we'll get back on the road alright?"  
"Such language. Alright."  
"Mother insisted." You joke. He surprises you by laughing along. Politely though, you notice the joke go over his skull but say nothing, letting him have the illusion that he fooled you with the timing of his laughter.

Oh boy you wanted to stay talking to him, you were only human and the guy was a literal Adonis so sue you at this point, right? But after what he went through? Taking advantage of the situation would be layers and layers of wrong. Didn't mean you couldn't stall and meander. You were nice but not a saint. Eventually he started texting away at someone, probably a beautiful wife or several girlfriends who had the audacity to be delicate and well mannered and loved to cook and clean and sing for little birds in the morning. Gotta get him back to the missus, right? "We should go, you're probably being solicited." You say, picking up your whole life over the opposite shoulder and leaving with him.

Things had died down. What luck. And you went straight in the direction of the bus stop, checking your cellphone for the time. "Human, wait, I'm going that way."  
"Ah sorry, well thanks for the dance. You want me to walk you home?" You're weak, WEAK. That isn't nice, time to beat yourself up.  
"Of course not!" What a grin to heartlessly stab your heart with, huh, but then again he can't stop ginning. "I've inconvenienced you enough and you told me you were in a hurry."  
"Papyrus, I lied. You say you're in a hurry to get away from people. Here, let me get that water bottle, let's get you home." Time to defuse the awkwardness with humor. "Gotta get you home to your disney princess."  
"You don't know my brother, do you?" You had to laugh at that, oh boy this guy, bless. "Sans is not a princess, this is a common misconception, human, he is dating a queen." He said that last word as if he was getting used to the concept of 'woman king' people spoke of. "Of course you have no concept of active royalty in your life, I can understand."  
"Some concept." You ghost over the long answer.  
"Then you do, well, now I feel awkward for assuming. I like other subjects, like cooking and literally anything else we could talk about." He announced, smooth as he always seemed to be in his own mind. "Can you make spaghetti?" He asks with the same smoothness.  
"On occasion. I know the theory of making spaghetti, the practice makes too much to eat for a single meal and too many carbohydrates for leftovers."  
"That was... Very technical." He complains. You smile at that.  
"I'm sorry." You try to backtrack as he keeps up with your step with unsurprising ease.

The conversation was nice on the way to his home, he tells you to turn here and there and soon enough you find his walk-up. The one he presumably shares with his brother and maybe his brother's queen he was dating, Papyrus didn't specify. At this you stop when he starts opening the gate. "Well it was nice meeting you, human- Sans! Come, meet this human, she's the one I told you about!" The smaller guy looks more down to earth and awake to life than his presumably older brother. At least by anime height rules. It kind of explains a lot. This gets you out of your relaxed mood, thinking that you actually have to behave around this one, call it a gut feeling.

That gut feeling had you feeling like you had to explain why you were here. Either that or the unsure look the short guy was giving you. "Nice to meet you," you open, before introducing yourself by name and extending a hand.  
"I'm Sans. Papyrus texted me what happened." Sans explains. Thankfully he has the sense to suspect a human when he sees one. This puts you more at ease that he lives with Papyrus than it offends you. Which is not at all, he has every right to worry at the sight of you, you're that stranger who brought his brother home and butted into his conversation like you owned the sidewalk.

"I almost forgot, you've yet to show me the skeleton in your purse! You told me you would, can I see it?" Well shit. His brother was going to love this. You nodded and stepped away from Papyrus to make them feel safe. Then pulled out your knife. An obscene looking thing, probably, with a spine and a skull ending with a base and a switchblade. Which Sans did not seem to appreciate as much as he was faking it, the eye lights disappearing were fairly universal enough for you to understand without knowing how skeletons work. "Wowie. That is... entirely unnecessary!" Papyrus disapproved in his own comfortable tone. You put it away and make a 'yeaaah' kind of gesture at them.  
"I know, I know."  
"That does it!" Oh boy. "Human you are in need of an intervention!" you are? "How lucky it is that you ran into the great Papyrus!" Not for the reasons you think, big guy. "I will start with the pasta!" Start? "Nyeh heh heh!" There he goes.

And now you're alone with his brother and a fleeting thought of 'don't leave me, your brother wants to eat me'. But he's gone.

"There he goes. Look-" here WE go, you think. "-my brother thinks you're trying to get in the royal guard, but that doesn't add up. So which is it?"  
"I didn't lie."  
"Not technically. And you're kind of carrying a combat knife fit for a merc. I won't ask questions" -thank god. "But if you're up for it, I'm actually willing to hire you." A job?! Yes please! Ooh the water bill, even better, the groceries!  
"What hours? I need the weekends if you can and I can bring you an employment letter but I'd rather not."  
"I said I wasn't going to ask questions. Do you need all the weekends?" This went on for a few minutes, nothing was signed yet but you both got into the brainstorming part of it, and that was more than perfect. He didn't have much to give but what he could was way more than what you were making for that time before, which was nothing.

The requirements for security detail were simple enough that they could get complicated later. You have an idea of what is required of you for now but when you arrive home it doesn't hurt to look things up and refresh what you need. There's a manual, and there's books on the subject, you're sure. Thankfully Papyrus counts as a low-risk client. Which was good. But there was one of you and a car, a building and a home to also look after and clear before he could be moved anywhere. The key word was punctuality as was with any of these sorts of jobs.

Thankfully, you think, being punctual was being literally drilled into you since childhood. So early next morning you were moving between push-ups, breakfast and the all too tidy formal clothes you laid out the night before. For all you know today Papyrus will want to go to the store but you were clocking in regardless. He was the client after all. Technically his brother's the client but you weren't going to see a single gold piece if you prioritized him and you knew it. So you finish your pull-up session and drop to button up the shirt and take the combat knife, conceal it, throw on the bullet-proof vest and the pepper spray. Too easy and too casual, but it fits what you're being paid, this job was almost pro-bono.

You could listen to music on the car ride there over coffee, but once you arrive you already know the radio is a privilege for the backseat. This was comfortable, this you could do, it made the world make some damn sense. When you got there Papyrus was ready to feed you spaghetti leftovers, thank god for breakfast. You wanted to keep it in you. So you had to politely decline. "I'm sorry, Papyrus, I already ate." And your spaghetti is indescribable, lordy, you don't say.

"Well human, its good that you're here bright and.. Early.." He trails off, eye sockets narrowed at something he disapproves of in his own mind. You let that one be for now. Probably will be scolded for it later and then you get to learn and to step up your standards some more. Learning was a privilege you aren't afforded now, apparently. So you remain quiet. "Well, I should hurry then-"  
"No, no, that's not how this works, you need to go about your day like I don't exist. I don't know what Sans told you, just, ignore me. Trust me, that's how this works. I'll be at the table." You clarify for him, glasses pinned to your shirt and expression open and friendly. It's the gloves, you know by now, it makes people think you have to be accommodated instead of the other way around.  
He takes that to heart and you soon learn a number of things. He wakes his brother to the dulcet tones of "Sans!" In the morning, as well as a little speech about being up early, then proceeds to 'take care' of him. Its not hard to see past that and know Sans doesn't need taking care of. But he keeps up the illusion regardless for some reason. You pity him in silence while he consumes your share of the spaghetti, into nothingness it seems.

You take the chance and check the news on your phone. In silence. Which at first is contagious but soon they adapt to it. "Sans you haven't picked up your socks, they have multiplied."  
"Ok."  
"You should."  
"Maybe"  
"Sans pick them up"  
"Ok"  
"Good, I will try to follow Frisk around today, sharing is caring." He gives an exaggerated wink at something they both planed or discussed between them without you. It doesn't matter. What matters is that Frisk, according to the news is an ambassador. So you quietly look them up. A selectively mute child who saved monster kind from human lockdown. They like pie. They're 12 years old. They're adopted. Residence at 16 minutes from here.  
"Sounds good bro. Bring them some of your spaghetti."  
"Brilliant Sans!" And he's off. He's so incredibly kind, good lord. You get up when he does and go check the car. Running a hand under the sides, checking the tires and warming the engine, the interior checks out and you wait. Papyrus takes some time, but the poor soul is still hurrying up to meet your schedule. He needs to be briefed, for now you signal at him to not hurry, to relax instead. Eventually he does get in, looking uncomfortable with having the door held open for them and thanking you a few times more than necessary.

"Relax, put your music if you want. Gotta ask, where's your friend?" You ask, setting up the gps.  
"Well they are at-" he begins in an exaggeratedly loud tone then stops. "I can't do this." He declares, gets down from the car-making you stand on your ankles and turn over the seat to watch him and walks around, opens the passenger door and get in next to you. You can't help it, you start laughing.  
"Im sorry- seatbelt" he shoots you a look, just about done with your overprotective shit apparently. Oh boy and you weren't even started. "-ok ok, just, where's your friend?"  
"They're at the embassy today. I... Haven't told you where that is." He complains since you already started to drive.  
"Don't worry about it." You tell him, pulling the cable for him to put his music on. "Listen, the ignore and work in the background is apparently not your thing but I really do need you to wait in the car and I do mean wait in the car when we get there. Just trust me." It was all you needed to tell him, but he did not like the silence.

"You don't have to do this human, don't think I didn't notice." Here we go.  
"How you declined my spaghetti even though you love it so I could have more." What? "And how you insist to be away from my charming good looks." Oh my god this was real. "And how you insist in being casual with me." Nip it in the bud. "But alas these cursed good looks follow me everywhere I go." End. It. "You can't even figure out how to talk to me." Dead silence: It's not working. He's not stopping. "Oh look we're here." Thank the merciful hand of the lord. You park appropriately and show your id the moment you get down, self conscious about the fact that he's sitting in the wrong seat before getting to work. You make a brisk pace to the building and check it as quickly as you can. You're one person doing the job of 3 and you know it.

You're throwing on the sunglasses and the coat as you make your way back, you open the door for him again and he seems like he's coaching himself to get used to it. You have to leave him alone for a moment but mercifully he stays within eyesight as you ask for your car to be parked, returning to his side as soon as physically possible. From here on it was a matter of silently following him with the coldest stare you can muster. You like his pace, it's much faster than you're used to.

The contrast is from the sky to the deepest basement in the underground. He has to be the peppiest guy you've ever met. He greets what seems to be everyone on the way there and immediately you realize he's extremely popular. What with this whole mascot situation. He greets the captain of the underground royal guard like she's some mix of mentor and bestie. He greets the king's adoptive child by picking them up and telling them all about his spaghetti and asking them everything their little hands can gesture at a short span of time. It warms the heart.

"Human, come here, meet my new friend!" Oh boy. Here we go again. Well as long as- "They fell for my looks as well." There goes that. Stop making me laugh, you think.  
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, ambassador Frisk." This makes the child hide in his scarf, so playing the adorable card then. You bite. "Naw, don't hide."  
"Come! I brought puzzle cards! We can play on the floor over there." Papyrus urges, carrying the child away, who gives you a look over his shoulder. Ah alright, that makes sense. You grin back at the look, recognizing your- apparently- 'love rival' as per honorable anime rules.

There was nothing to protect Papyrus from and you couldn't help it, he was magnetic, so soon enough you're playing cards, though your eyes are on everything else, the doors, the people circulating, their pockets, the windows their hours, who comes in at what time, who's missing... "Human you're really bad at this." You know- oh the cards.  
"Sorry, it's my turn?" You play. "You were telling me about your crazy uncle- right... On the piano? Nuts." You answer as they gesture. They offer you a juice bag. "Thanks, ambassa- ok Frisk- thanks Frisk."  
"Tsundereplane tried something like that, but the planes in the surface are either antisocial or not alive." Papyrus commented. "I vote for the former, she thinks it's the latter. They're all weirdos." You keep the answer to yourself.

Soon enough there was lunch break involved which meant following him some more and sitting to have lunch with him and with Frisk. This time there was no escaping the spaghetti. He managed to bring what you think is the surface of the pot along in the tupperware. It was still food, technically and you manage not to gag in a way he notices. "So what shows do you watch?" He asks, trying to budge you out of your silence.  
"I like happy shows and videogames." With damsels in distress you leave out, something tells you he won't appreciate it.  
"Have you watched anything by Mettaton?"  
"I'm wary of the Tommy Wissau scenario."  
"The what?"  
"Directed, produced and acted by the same person."  
"That has a name? Wowie, everything has a name. Why is that bad?"  
"Nobody's there to reign in the creative control, the person shoulders the entire production, and can't handle all the jobs at once."  
"Ah but Mettaton is a robot star. He's made to shoulder the entire production."  
"Alright this I need to see-" Frisk gets an idea from this and gestures at you both. To pick a day to go see it, together. Well- then they make sure that it's with them. They claim they want to see a movie with Papyrus as if daring you to try to weasel your way into seeing it alone with him. You agree, thinking this was the opposite of a problem.

This is how you find yourself following them to watch a movie. They seem to know Mettaton personally, which Frisk doesn't tire of telling you, telling you all about the story of the rising underground start and what they know from his beginnings. "And you found this out by snooping." They stick their tongue out at you, and gesture again. "Yes, snooping. No don't worry, I can respect that. Own it." They gesture again. "Alright so don't own it in front of your mom." They like this plan. The movie was. How to respectfully put this. Better not mention it. But Frisk did fall asleep on your arm halfway through it.

It was times like these when you thought kids were alright, alright being the operating term. You pick them up and check the time again. Sounds about right. So you hand them back to their mother before leaving Papyrus in their temporary capable hands before checking the car with your usual method. Then retrieved him, giving him plenty of time to talk to Undyne. When he comes back he seems more comfortable with your silence. It was the hour, you were sure.  
"The movie wasn't um, bad" you try, knowing how much he hates your silence. To be fair talking didn't truly bother you.  
"I know, it's really good! It was from back in his rectangular days. His style has improved since then, if you liked that you'll love his newest work."

Soon enough it started to rain, increasing by the minute before you had to turn on the emergency lights and the high beams. So far no problems. Something did catch his eye however. "Human is that a dog? It's alone in the rain." He couldn't be serious. How did this angel survive in this world? He stares at you with the saddest eyes imaginable for long enough and before you know it you're pulling over and picking up the dog. Soon enough he's using a towel he found in the trunk to dry the dog and scolding him for going after something he calls his 'special attack'.  
"He's kind of cute." You say, reach out to pet him and realize that the dog doesn't like you. It likes Papyrus though. Wonderful, you think sarcastically.  
"Puppy you need to behave yourself better than this- what are you doing?"  
"Smoking."  
"No you're not, my puppy has lungs!"  
"I draw the line."  
"It isn't a very professional line." Stare down time apparently. Why did you think you'd win you wonder as you flick the cigarette out the window. "I knew you couldn't resist me, this will be a professional liability." This was the third time, you decide to mess with him.  
"True that, but hey, I'm sure I'll survive." He goes quiet for a moment. You thought he was done with your shit, nope, he was charging his laser.  
"Really?! I knew it!" Oh no. "Don't worry human, I will help you with these feelings, I've done it before."  
"Alternatively you could go out with me." You joke, he goes silent again. You wonder if he's charging his loud-tone laser but he's not. He's looking at you with- how do eye sockets glow like that? "Wait, Papyrus-"  
"We should absolutely go on a date!"  
"Papyrus your brother will feed the body to the dog."  
"Nonsense! Now what to wear for my date..."  
"Papyrus please."  
"Where should I go?"  
"Papyrus?"  
"Now don't get impatient. You are on the clock now. You must contain your excitement until tonight."  
"Papyrus- ok we're here, wait in the car"  
"Human it's my home, it's safe." He insists but you open the door for him anyway and wait until he's locked his before leaving. Possibly contemplating life. He left the dog.  
"Don't you give me that look, I could've said no. I absolutely will clear this up." You assure the dog on the way home.

Mercifully Sans sent you only one scary text. It was scary indeed. 'You're not getting paid overtime'. Cold. Brutal. To the point. You find out you have nothing to feed this dog, but you could grab him something on the way back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm here to kick ass and chew some bubblegum. And I'm all out of gum." - you get the idea.
> 
> A little floof and some context.

Alright, just knock on the door, explain to him that this is all a terrible misunderstanding you let go on for too long, apologize and- and- those were basketballs. He's wearing basketballs. Shit. He's determined to sweep you off your feet, isn't he? He looks terrible. If you're being honest with yourself and the rest of the world. He looks absolutely terrible. The shirt looks like someone went at it with a pair of scissors and hated it with a passion, then added something out of the 90's with a marker to leave a vandalism signature. Is that a backwards cap? Who did this? The shorts are presumably taken off of a mouse's dead body and- well at least the socks fit him, they must have been adjusted somewhere. And here you thought the armor was bad. You miss the armor already.

And yet. He looked nervous. Normally he should be but this is you we're talking about, he has nothing to be nervous of. Sure he looked better when he was happy and watching a movie with Frisk, who's expertise would come in handy right about now. But nervous isn't a bad look for him. Now how to get him back to happy? You were here to do something, right? Never mind that, he looks nervous. You can't get around to that now, he's giving it his all. "Hey, that looks like a serviceable outfit, Papyrus." You told him with all the tone of a compliment and a smile as well.

"Well you too have clearly been reading the dating manual" a dating manual? A voice in your head reminds you to run as soon as possible. He already lives with his- apparently older- brother. How old was this skeleton again? "In fact you read it so thoroughly that you've shown me three consecutive clothes changes in three days." Well, he's not wrong, in theory. "Obviously you're madly in love with me." Obviously? Ok sure, whatever.

"Papyrus I need to tell you something." You admit. This has gone on long enough- is he leaning on the doorframe?

"Go on." That's adorable. You're weak, weak!

"I'm allergic to onions. And to spaghetti sauce." You add the lie, seeing the tactical chance and taking it. He looks horrified. Now he looks like he pities you, poor guy is taking the news hard. But that's forgotten because he takes both your hands in a determined look.

"Don't worry, human, we'll make this work."

"Make it work?"

"Yes of course! I will adapt my amazing cooking for the sake of your health! Nyeh heh heh!" Please don't, you think, regretting the course of action immediately. "Though there go half of my plans." He adds in a tone that can be nothing else but sarcasm. That's when it hits you. That sarcastic, honest tone right there, is why you're standing at this door like a dingus. Shit he's not wrong. So the guy has a beautiful soul. Sue you, it works for him. "You can let go of my hands now, human." Shit.

"But your gloves are thinner." You complain to cover that up as you do.

"I now see what you meant by serviceable. Wowie. Um. Let's forget about that. Right! Our date!" No, no, back to the feeling the bones under the gloves thing please. Oh well. "I don't know where to take you now." He admits.

"I have a wetsuit in the trunk, we could go to the beach." You offer, thinking this would only help. It immediately yields results judging by how excited he looks.

"I'll get my bathing suit!" Good, that's already an improvement. You go in to wait for him and find Sans is now taking a nap on the couch. You wait for a little while and- well that was much better. Of course you would think he looks better with less clothing on, you think self-deprecatingly. But to be fair. You take the towels from him and get him to the car. "Oh no you don't! The great Papyrus can open his own doors."

"Alright, go, be cool you independent skeleton you." You joke. He nyehs at you if that could be a verb, that's what it would sound like. You start traveling to the beach and make the chit-chat you didn't allow yourself before. "I couldn't ask before, why did you completely move to the surface?"

"Completely?"

"You lived in a house, right? Underground? The surface is right here, you could've stayed there and come out to do pretty much anything."

"It was far from the barrier, and cold." He says. "And besides our friends were moving, this was easier."

"Fair enough." But he could have told you he liked the grass better and you weren't who to question him. You were just curious. "What do you work in? I haven't seen you clock in anything else but this mascot situation and that seems way less of a function than I thought it would."

"Are you saying I don't do anything?"

"Hey man I've known you for all of three days. Take my observations with a grain of salt." You disclaim.

"You haven't seen our training, human I simply must bring you to our training."

"Papyrus you must bring me everywhere, remember?" You say. "Give it time, we'll get around to it."

"I don't know why Sans did this." He admits. "And if the surface is dangerous then why doesn't he have you instead?"

"The surface is dangerous, but your brother has you in mind, I can't blame him. I'd protect my family first if I had the means. We do what we can for the people we love." You agree. "I don't know what he had in mind particularly, which is why I'm alert about everything. But trust me, whatever it is, we'll be ready if it turns up." He looks concerned. "Hey, he pays me, trust me, I'm not letting anything happen to him either."

"Mhmm"

"Hey, have you been to the beach yet?"

"Nope!" The subject change mercifully works. "But Undyne dated Alphys here when we first emerged. Perhaps.. Well."

"Hm?"

"Perhaps that'll work for us too, human." Oh boy, he's serious. With the talking you completely forgot why you were hanging out in the first place. It wasn't that he wasn't attractive. It's that you've known him for three days and already you know you're going to scare him off like you do pretty much everyone ever. That and he talked a big scary game about the way he seems to think you like him. Unless he's projecting- nah, the thought was laughable. You just had to not be weird.

"Maybe, but you don't need any help in that department." Wow, out of the shoe and straight into your mouth.

"Of course now, you're clearly madly in love with me, that's not what I meant." I wanna have your confidence when I grow up. "I mean that maybe- well it's been three days."

That made zero sense but you let him be. "Hold on, let me find a parking spot." You'd leave him here but he brought up a good point. On the clock or not, his brother was paying security for him. Something or someone had to have pushed him into it. Now it could be nothing, Sans could just be a paranoid guy and you just hadn't seen that side of him, but for all you know Papyrus could have a price on his head that you didn't know about. You have to ask him. So instead you put in the extra effort to park close and let him out only when you can go with him.

Then again, you think as you take your wetsuit from the trunk and pull a towel around the back of the car, Sans had insisted in not asking questions. Did he expect the same from you? "Human? What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna change." You tell him simply before waiting. He doesn't move and you laugh a bit. "Ok slow down there, cowboy, I need you to stand here. This is our first date." You tell him, which has him moving faster than you've seen him move and makes you learn something new. He blushes orange, that's adorable. He's way too innocent to probably know that he had to move, that had to be it, right? C'mon look at him, of course that's it. Soon enough you've changed, tied the top part of your wetsuit jacket under your boobs, you're not diving 70 feet, you're going to play in the sand at best, and retrieve him to go to the shore. It being night by now helps, but the water will be cold. And the sea life will be aggressive, your paranoid brain provides.

So far so good, however. "Human look, there's so much of it, let's go." He says and starts walking deeper, you follow, swimming by him when it got too deep for you. "I have made a mistake." He eventually says with the water all the way up to his shoulders. "This just keeps getting deeper, doesn't it?" He asks, then turns around and starts walking back out.

"We could swim."

"Correction, you can swim, I don't float."

"Oh boy, that's it, you're learning." You anounce, swimming after him, which prompts him to move faster.

"You'll never catch me alive!" He announces, and you chase him, lazily really, no need to rush. He hasn't fallen in yet. But now that you know he doesn't know how to swim you swim less and float more in case you need your strength to pull him out of the water at some point. This mercifully doesn't happen, instead he takes to throwing water at you when you approach him. You could get used to this, you think, throwing water back. "Human I give you one chance to rethink you water battle challenge."

"Bring it, big guy." You challenge. From there on this means war, shoving water at him and getting water back for a good few minutes. When he bores of that you decide to get back on track. "C'mon, let me teach you how to swim, c'mon"

"Fine" he suffers, over dramatically. So you bring him to a water level where you can stand and urge him to sit and to give you his hand and grab onto his legs, lifting him in the water is easy. "Human what are you doing? Is grabbing me necessary?"

"Don't make this weird, it's not weird until you make it weird." You try to pacify.

"Wowie! That managed to set off all my red flags, all of them at once!" He complains, but his grin is wider.

"You have red flags?" This earned you a splash on the face. "Don't make me drop you. Dork. Here, you wanna propel yourself with the current and at an angle fo the current but not against it for now, and you want to kick in- not like that- you want to kick with- yeah like that." You instruct, little by little teaching him with the concepts you use when you carry a tank as heavy as you and therefore you don't float, which seems to be a similar case to his. "You know you have a diving talent nobody has, right? What with plunging like that, but you have a hazard nobody has too."

"Not with my attack I don't. I can use it on myself."

"Special attack?"

"You simply must train with me, human! You'd love my attack."

"Didn't the dog eat it?"

"No, that's my special attack, my attack is blue."

"Very specific. How could I get those two confused?" More water. "Ok, ok, holy crap. Temper."

"Language." This makes you laugh again. "Regardless, human, I now wish to try this myself."

"Go for it." There was little he could do that you wouldn't be able to retrieve him from. He test this and when he finds it works he comes back with his eye lights that size and brightness that tell you he's either going to play or he's finally snapped.

"Race me."

"You don't wanna do that."

"I'm not afraid of you, human." He announces.

"Oh no, I mean because I'm gonna kick your skele butt. From here to the b- no wait, from here to the-"

"No, no, the buoy. Yes, let's do that"

"I changed my mind-"

"You are not on the clock, let's go!" He says and off he goes, so you swim after him in good pacing, it's been a while. The water is getting colder the deeper you go but it doesn't deter either of you. You expect to have to retrieve him but it never happens. Where does this guy train? He seems to go on and on and at a point you start mentally encouraging him. He believes in himself and you believe in him now and it's starting to become a pattern with him, isn't it?

He eventually does reach it, but not without you catching up to him a few times. Fuck you were watching him do it and now you were behind by an inch. You expect him to boast but he throws himself back in the water and you panic for the split second it takes him to emerge again, and you're both off. This time you're less nervous about it and do compete. Meaning you swim past him, after all you paced yourself. However eventually you turn to look for him and are calm when you see him reach you. You expect him to complain. "That was amazing human!" Oh no, not a genuine compliment, let him tease you or complain please.

"Thanks. Really. Um-"

"Um? You don't need to cut the conversation just because I think you're great too, we're both great, all is amazing." He offers, because it is possible to just be happy for a change, and to let yourself. And right now? It looks like nothing's gonna come take him away from you or take this away from you both.

"Yeah, that's true, probably. But I was thinking we could get out of the water, you won't like what it does to my skin." You explain, then show him your hands. Which is apparently a bad move because soon enough he's carrying you out like you're going to swell up and explode.

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"No, no no, it's not harmful-" you can't help it, you're laughing the whole way. "Put me down, you dork, it's fine, it's fine." You assure him, look for something to pat that seems safe enough back here and pat the opposite shoulder blade. "You ok?"

"Am I- yes." He puts you on the sand.

"So tough. C'mere hero, let's selfie with a sand castle." You offer and this is how you spend a few minutes, making a castle which he seems to have a specific vision for and seems to want to text to his friends as soon as it looks acceptable. You discover he's good with snow and he's alright with sand while sculpting things into sticking together and staying upright, even in the dim light of night. It looks better with the camera flash.

Soon enough you're picking up. If anything this date situation has gone longer than it should have. It was kind of heavy for a first date, even if it was one of the most innocent dates you've ever been to and even if it didn't feel like that long. He seems momentarily disappointed which is encouraging and adorable too, this is working for you. It's horrifyingly unprofessional but adorable.

You toss the towels on the car and decide to keep the wetsuit to drive him home in peace. Sans is gonna love how late it is. That or he's sleeping. It turns out both. Because he's asleep on the couch still. You leave him be again and return to the judgmental gaze of your new dog. "Don't give me that look, you didn't see that puppy stare, it's worse than yours. Fuck your food, fuck fuck. Let's go." You pick him up and are back out the door. This sleep schedule is going to suck tonight and tomorrow. "Don't think I don't know you peed my carpet you little shit. God damn everything- stop licking me. God."

There was no jog either, you were going to be a ray of fucking sunshine tomorrow and you knew it. So straight to shower and then bed. When you wake up it's to speed into twice your schedule, your clothes were not picked out, so your pull-ups had to wait, push-ups it was, but the angle helps a little. You're practically running out the door and eat the street. There was not enough coffee in this world, certainly not in your cup to deal with this shit. Fuck. Everything. It's worth it. An insidious voice says in your head. It's absolutely worth it.

You reach the house, and decide you need to talk to Sans about this situation and what to expect. Thankfully he's the one who opens. "Just the monster I needed to talk to, do you have a minute?" You ask, sunglasses in place, tone serious. He nods and sits with you.

"I'm not paying you more."

"Not what I'm going to ask. Look, I normally don't ask too many questions, some jobs are self explanatory. Protect a diplomat? We talk assassins. Protect a criminal? We talk rival businesses. Protect a businessman? Same concept. He's none of these things. What should I be on the lookout for?"

"Children with knives." You know he does it for the look on your face. His grin is always there but you know from what little time you've known them that he's enjoying messing with you and there. Is. No. Coffee. You remove your glasses and rub your eyes.

"Fuck, listen. I'm not asking what you did- just- he's fine, what is after him?"

"A sharp little kid. Heh heh heh" you want to scream. "Hear me out. There's a point to this." He winks. "I need you to keep an open mind."

"I'm gonna need coffee for that, do you have any to spare?" You get up, he seems content to tell you where it is and do nothing at all. You come back and sit with him.

"There's a child that can fly off the handle and kill him at any minute- they don't know it, or I think they don't. They haven't tried, they haven't shown any signs, not to anyone. But trust me I know what I'm about. It could happen any moment and since they're so close I guessed, why not? I have the money I can hire a professional. Or at least someone with a bigger knife. You have a bigger knife. So why not?"

"Are you talking about Frisk? Tell me you're not talking about Frisk. Alright. So you don't want to tell me-"

"I'm gonna level with you, I've seen it happen. I- hm. Look just look out for it, please. The kid is capable of taking him out with their fists if they try." He looks frustrated with this conversation so you decide to bite for now.

"You know what? Fine. I'll just- tell you what, self defense class, starting now. He carries the kid but when I'm done with him he'll be able to fling a guy twice as big off himself in less time it takes-"

"He can defend himself, he won't! Trust me."

"Ok. I'll keep an eye out for the child" you wave off, like this was the simplest assignment you have been given in your life. He seems to think this is all he's getting from you so he stays there, looking like he might doze off until Papyrus is on him about the socks again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I have a wife and three beautiful kids, they're yours!" - Lethal Weapon
> 
> Ah arguements. Part of this complete relationship. I'm still debating on if I should do this. Like on one hand it was always the plan and on the other look at them, they happy. I want em to be happy.

This time you were finally going to see him train. You have to admit, you're curious. Yesterday- did he know what distance he swam yesterday without stopping? Is that normal for a monster? Maybe it was and you were just under equipped naturally as a human. Maybe monsters were just that tough. Maybe this is the kind of thing Frisk would have gotten past. You think of Frisk on the car ride there. The child wasn't deceptively innocent or anything, they were a clever kid. But they were a kid. Sure you've seen kids wearing black belts and executing katas since the age of 2, and in other countries in this sick world kids were made to hold a gun before they could hold a beer in even the laxest country.

The more you thought about it the more plausible it was. Nobody knew where Frisk came from. Frisk could be a mercenary victim or a child soldier and nobody would be the wiser. Thinking of it logically they were said to have dodged every attack from every boss monster they encountered. That was not natural, you knew adults who couldn't do that. The underground measures at the very least the diameter of Mt. Ebott, the child crossed a mountain on foot. Did they rest? It's a significant distance for a little stroll, you think.

So stamina and stubbornness for a fact at least. And proximity. The monsters closest to them will pick them up without hesitating, including Papyrus so if they wanted to do some damage they'd wait till then. The queen. The queen is Sans' girlfriend- who doesn't live with them and Sans never mentions and that only Papyrus seems to think is his girlfriend somehow and has a child Sans believes can kill his brother- alright correction,the queen seems to be Sans' "complicated" status on Facebook. You can't let her die either but there's only one of you.

What the hell is your life that this is what you have to plan for?

With an assassin it's as easy as to yank them off, hands first at the sign of anything deadly, disarm and restrain as quickly as possible. It would have to be that way with them. How fast could you grab a knife- did it matter? Sans believes the child could damage Papyrus with their bare hands. "Human?" And they seem to be able to pick up toys faster than you can say inventory. "Human. You're awfully quiet."

"Sorry. I didn't get much sleep." It's not technically a lie. He's giving you a look, you can feel it. In your- pfft.

"Well I'm glad hearing me has improved your mood! Why are we laughing?"

"Nothing Papyrus. Say you wouldn't happen to secretly be a connoisseur of Krav Maga, would you?"

"I don't know Krav and I can't speak for their Maga." He admits. "But I could learn their cuisine, I'm sure. Why?"

"Nothing, it would just make my life easier." You half-joke. "What kind of training have you done?"

"Well making spaghetti." He seems absolutely proud of this fact. You're making faces at the road and you know it. Now you're staring deep into the soul of the guy in front.

"By any chance does this spaghetti involve core training? Please say yes." You hope out loud.

"No training with the core, no. Should I be doing that? Why?"

"Forget I said anything, Papyrus, I suppose I'll see it when I get there."

"There's no need to be anxious to see my amazing training, human, you'll have the chance!" Son that confidence. It's amazing. When you arrive you go through the motions again, when you check the place you realize what this training has to entail, what with Undyne being in a tank top when you formally greet her. You wish your core muscles could snap the boulders she could probably snap. Probably upside down, with her thighs, wearing a blindfold, on one hand. Of course Papyrus would have a friend who's better at this than you, geez. Ok easy with the green little monster, shake it off, go get him. There. That helps.

"You brought your friend! I saw your selfie." Undyne tells him, but the comment has an undertone for you- Fuck does everyone need to protect him from you?! Is that really necessary?!

You're ready to explain the date was his idea but it's forgotten. "Alphys showed me a new game. It's called 'don don pachi' which is kind of silly because we can play that outside ourselves, honestly humans and their sports games." Don don pachi isn't a spots game you think for a moment. What does she mean?

"Can we do that?"

"Oh no, you're not getting out of making Spaghetti" she starts but Papyrus makes his quick way to her and confides something you don't hear because you're at this point you're still at the door and still finding a place you can keep your silent watch on the kitchen. "Fine, you owe me. Human I hope you're ready."

"Always." You shoot back with the same hard stare you give everyone.

"Good because we're playing Don don pachi outside." She announces. With what, you think, with marbles? You're on your feet though and they both make their way outside. You turn off the stove she was heating before following them. It turns out Don don pachi isn't for the faint of heart. Because it's a bullet hell and she likes to interpret these bullets as spears. The hum of magic is unfamiliar and it sounds dangerous so you step closer to Papyrus, only to have to jump back when she sees your shoulder exposed to her. What the everloving fuck?

"Rules of the game." You quickly ask. What you want to ask is 'terms of engagement' because fuck 'game', she wants to fight.

"Don't get hit." She says, her crooked sharp teeth trapped in a tight-lipped smile with a stare that tells you she's familiar with wanting blood. It'd be perfectly inviting if Papyrus wasn't involved. You pull out your baton. You have a game for her too, it's called baseball.

It turns out Don don pachi is actually fun once you realize Papyrus is having fun and in no immediate danger. It takes you failing to bat off every single attack for you to realize this but you do realize it. If anything you're getting in his way apparently. Which he seems to want to complain about for a moment but a thought occurs to him. He runs his fingers over his arm bones and strokes out, pulling his magic from there apparently because another bone is materializing out of the bones of his fingers. If you hadn't glanced back prepared to be scolded you'd have missed it. Now he's playing this 'baseball' situation with you.

This IS fun! You have good ideas too and you decide to let him some space, letting Undyne get her attacks in fully and worrying about yourself instead. She seems to have been waiting for that because now she picks up the pace. You could swear you can almost hear the music to her quick and relentless pace. She must live doing cardio, it's amazing. Hell, she's probably holding back still. It's a game to her, she's playing with you both.

You spend what's left of the morning like this, and rather than tire you find they get bored. Or mainly that Undyne bores easily. Well good to know there's this much energy in the world somewhere. If you ever need to power your car, you can just put a cable between her teeth apparently. "That was great." You tell her, between your chuckles. Where are your sunglasses? They've gone somewhere. Oh there, by your discarded suit jacket. You leave the tie slightly lose and go find a small towel for yourself to deal with whatever sweat you may have gathered. "Do you have a bathroom?" You ask. She tells you but you wait until Papyrus is inside the house before you go wash your hands and put some water on the back of your neck. That feels amazing right now.

The rest of the day is spent realizing what the problem with this spaghetti is. He doesn't just not know how to make it, he's being taught poorly how to make it and on top of it, now you know he doesn't even eat it himself. No wonder. It's not your job so you don't intervene. That would count as chitchat and you want to avoid it. Instead you take a walk around the house as they chatter about the merits of some show they both found aboveground. It's not a bad show, you've heard, so you leave them to it.

There's an expanse of terrain between the small house and the adjacent one, probably separated by a verbal agreement, though neither was tending too far into it, the trees didn't allow for it. There was a collection of rocks piled further back closer to said trees and you had to park at a distance earlier since at the other side of the house was a cliff and the only comfortable place to park the car. You come back from looking at the main road bellow and they're now talking about soccer. This goes on for a while until the spaghetti starts drying up and you start smelling the disaster happen. You finally intervene. "I think it's ready." It's not chitchat if you're keeping the stove from catching fire. They check it and shrug before starting to use a fork to put it on the plate. Forget the strainer, they look like that's never crossed their minds.

Before they can out the butchered tomato that was the spaghetti sauce on it, however, Papyrus makes you a plate without it. Oh shit, right, you're still expected to eat it. It's so dry he has to actually cut it with a knife. You valiantly don't cringe. It's a shame, the tomato would have helped. That allergy comment is coming back to bite you in the ass. You realize how badly when you see him go for the sugar box. "She's allergic."

"Hey, no need for that, Papyrus, the plain spaghetti's fine." You assure him, taking the plate from him and grabbing some soda to force- wash it down with. You need to figure out how to get around this somehow. Especially because now they're planning on mastering another recipe. Apparently the spaghetti is the tip of their culinary iceberg. Something involving oatmeal is next. You exchange numbers and give him time to say goodbye while you check the car for any tampering again. None found. You retrieve him and thank Undyne before you're heading back home. "You know I thought you did physical training."

"I did too, apparently the modern royal guard needs a diverse set of talents if you want to be a part of it. Or it did, this is actually force of habit. I didn't want to tell you this way human, I know you wanted to get in." He breaks to you, tone serious. "But there's no more need for the royal guard."

"I'll manage Papyrus." You assure him. "Will you be alright?"

"I have other things going on in my life." He assured you, your concerns are put to rest.

"That's good then." The silence grew awkward and you don't know why. It makes you focus on your driving.

"So what do you really do?" He asks, as one does the weather. So that was why.

"I'm a beginner in a salaried group of professionals with a high living standard."

"Wowie! You told me nothing in that sentence!" You've learned what that cheerful tone is by now, he's complaining without complaining. The silence gets awkward again. "Undyne says Krav Maga isn't a dish, it's something used to hurt people. Do you hurt people for a living?"

"Wouldn't that make this a dangerous line of questioning?" You half-joke. "I protect you for a living, Papyrus."

"This intervention is harder than I thought." Intervention? "How's the puppy?"

"Peeing indoors. Breaking my old lamp. Being very needy and very loud when I leave. Other than that he's fine, I keep him in the garage when I'm not home." Why? Is the puppy involved in his intervention? Is he trying to get you to stop smoking? This is soon forgotten. Thinking about smoking has you lighting up. He dislikes this development you know and it's a little irritating but he seems to want to pick his fights for now.

You drive in some silence on the way there and think of something to say but it wasn't long before you were almost home. He was apparently indeed charging his loud-laser. "We're going somewhere else." He tells you, you carefully find a place to stop. "Wait really? I can do that? Wowie! How long can I do that?"

"Sans refuses to pay me overtime so until right around seven thirty."

"Then we're going to the park." He announced. "I saw the park when we first came up and it is amazing and so peaceful, human! Nobody could do any violence there."

"Alright, I'm guessing the closest one." You say, back to the road.

"There's more than one, cool!" This skeleton is precious. So much so you decide not to correct him about violence in parks. In your experience anyone could 'do a violence' anytime to anyone else. Especially when they thought they could get away with it. No need for him to worry himself over it, you think and take him to said park, getting down with him and watching him make a beeline for the track.

"You want to jog? I could use a jog." You offer. This seems to really agree with him.

"Then why didn't you say that before, Human? Come!" It's actually really pretty here. This seems to be the observation he wants out of you. It works. You have to do nearly twice as much cardio after all, considering that you smoke on top of everything, but it works. Soon enough you realize he can keep up with you. Probably because you both rested in the car on the way here. Still you grabbed a water bottle from the car on your way, in case- do monsters even need it? "I have a shirt for this!"

"I'm sure you do, Papyrus."

"I should show you next time!"

"Do it."

"Then it's settled! Wowie you're not... You're not sweating. Alright human, break it to me, what is this to you? A light jog?" You almost feel bad. If you weren't so amused.

"A stroll."

"Ok I give, can I have some water?" You almost shove the bottle down his jaw in your disbelief. You should have been more observant, somehow.

"You want to go home? It's getting late." You tell him.

"Very much so." He looks a little tired. You walk your way back in a more content silence, this silence was much better and don't immediately let him in the car, checking it first. "Why do you do that?"

"You don't wanna know."

"It's the same car, human, I assure you."

"It is. Here, get in." With that you get him back home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Yippee ki yay motherfucker" - Die hard
> 
> Welcome to another chapter of looking up at the sky and asking "God, send me a sign, where am I going with this shit?"
> 
> Now with more fanart too: http://drivendriver.tumblr.com/post/150646156058/more-fanart-of-that-fic-im-writing-im-not

There's always that one weekend where everything goes to shit. You can't pinpoint why everything has gone to shit but it has. All of it. At once because that's how things go to shit. At fucking once. The dog has decided that today you don't need to have your cellphone and today you don't need to have your dog, so on top of it being a weekend so no work- a mess you're not even getting paid for- you have to get up at unholy hours of the morning because he also decided he needed to make as much noise as possible in his escape.

That and you'd drank everything and anything the night before that was worth mentioning. Fuck everything and everyone.

The best part was that it was 3:AM and not even you were sure if you were drunk or had a hangover. "I swear to god you dogshit, you do it to fuck with me." You grumble on the way out way too slowly, just sheet molasses, and realize everything was swimming and you couldn't find your phone. "You son of a bitch if you have it... If that son of a bitch has it. Fuck." You step on something that feels like a plate on the way out and are able to loosen the weight from one foot to the other in time not to break it. You're still pissed. You're more pissed.

You manage to find the fucking flashlight and to trail your way outside after the dog to see what it wants. Probably to burry your cellphone, eat the cover, break the screen. Not stare at you with the creepiness factor that even the newest horror movie that was all the rage had and put a ball down. Definitely not to stare at you as the mysterious new ball- you did not own this thing- made a humming sound.

Definitely not to open it's snout and let out a human laughter like a child would laugh on helium and every single drug in the nightclub.

You wake with a start. Weekends are bullshit.

Even without the dog eating your phone. Why did your dream even involve this? Even without the confusing sleep paralysis as you can identify it now. You still spend your morning washing your car. At a considerably better mood, at least. Of course not having to deal with whatever that had been was better than sleep apparently. It was haunting. It was equipment maintenance morning, which involved the laundry and the car as well as taking a trip to leave your formal clothes and cleaning your bulletproof vest as well as the baton. It involves doing dishes and- right the plate was real.

Well fuck it if the plate's real so will your beer be, you are not dealing with this shit on a weekend. The dog had not been. Yours was a brown dog with spots, the dog in the dream had been pure white and you hadn't questioned it until you woke.

You put it from your mind with some heating. Doing your running and jogging intervals to see if you can build up some more speed, it's always indispensable to build up speed and it's never really a bad time to do so. You find you're still up for it so you try to do some sections until you start thinking of what you had for breakfast. That's usually the time to change what you're doing.

So exercises in place it is. You've burned some of the afternoon like this and you decide to go home before you think too hard about how fast time passes. You jog half the way, keeping your speed steady for discipline as well as for increasing your chances of not feeling like shit when you actually got there. You still have to walk the dog again today, you were sure. And you were starting to like the little beast too. "Tell your creepy white friend not to come back." You tell the dog as you walk him. "That is the same bush, I assure you." You inform him when he takes his sweet time investigating it.

Night comes with it's benefits, namely some peace. This was priceless- no wait, it cost by month and involved multiple payments. Speaking of that costly peace, you think you need to take tomorrow to take the car for 'repairs' another job won't kill you, probably, or maybe not as fast as smoking is going to kill you.

You're watching the stars when you get a phone call. Thankfully the caller lets this ring five times, giving you plenty of time to put the juice down and to get the phone. "Papyrus?" He's quiet. "Hey buddy is everything alright? Want me to drop by?" You ask him, this gets him to respond. He's shaken whatever this is off.

"Oh no need human. I wanted to ask if... If you like puzzles!" He says. So never a game of poker, got it. "Do you like puzzles human?"

"I love em." You tell him, especially because he hadn't specified and this world was made of puzzles, there was no way you didn't like at least one kind of puzzle in life.

"Perfect! Human you will eat those words! I need to take you somewhere in a few hours and you will encounter- do you have plans?"

"Well I was gonna take a few hours to go to the shop, you want to come? We could go there then go to whatever it is you have planned." You offer, because of course you would. This hot guy need a lift? The shop can wait.

You sort out the details with him and are tempted to stay on the phone while you drive, which he is immediately against. Telling you there was a lecture ready at his place the moment you get down. Hurray. At least he won't lack for something to talk about, given how much he seems to dislike your silences. Sans was out of the house it seems, because he seems to have taken their car. This explains a lot, you think, getting him.

"Human!" He greets, lifting you off the ground. You grab his shoulder blades and his trapezius under his battle body like a handle and ease the weight off his arms proper almost on instinct to help him perform this feat with as little of his back as possible. That spine looks like it shouldn't be upright.

"Monster!" You shoot back with a grin, sunglasses askew. "You got what you need?" You ask as he puts you back on the floor, lifting you seems enough to satisfy whatever brought this on, now he was done. Well more likely his spine was done. Though you could have sworn there was a fading blue light reflecting on his battle body when he did- probably from the car.

"I have the clothes on my back and my dignity as a person, more than enough!" He declares, then narrows his eye sockets, his eye lights sharper because of this. "And my inventory."

"Inventory?" You ask, then remember. "Wait, I've heard of this. That's like that bag of holding monsters have in their magic."

"Yours would be like that. Because that's what you see but this is my inventory, so it's not like that."

"Wait so is it or isn't it?" You ask as he takes his key- did he have it before? And closes the door.

"Magic is magic, human, you learn this before you learn your second set of teeth are going to fall off." Oh yeah, skeleton children would be able to see those. Oh god ew.

"How is that not absolutely traumatizing? To see your second row of teeth, that's way too many teeth."

"You're one to talk, humans look like they're all about to drop from the heat. And you look" he contemplates for a moment "squishy." This has you laughing.

"No no, but, what do you mean with magic is magic?" You manage with you two chattering like school kids again when you get to the car and start making your way to the shop.

"I mean magic doesn't always make sense, not from lack of trying, but the universe is way bigger and way more indifferent to us than we like to think. So the most we can do with magic is try to defend ourselves using it, to go with it, not against it. Like the current you mentioned at the beach."

"You lost me, what does this have to do with your inventory?"

"It means I'm at liberty to say what my inventory looks like, and more than that, it has to be what I can make it be, what I can visualize and create. It's not going to be anything else. Because it wouldn't be real to me."

"Have you tried?"

"Of course I've tried!" This was a dumb question? Ok. "I was an awkward teen once too!" Ok so awkward teen monsters will model their inventories unnaturally, got it. Ok what?

"I'm still lost. Why would you do it if you know it doesn't work?"

"I don't know, why do you put on spikes and wear heavy eyeliners and- just why do teenagers do anything?"

"I don't know, but when you figure that one out call me as soon as possible. Then call NASA." You joke back. "It will change the world."

"No one parent can have this much power." He warns you, but he seems to have gone right back to what he doesn't want to think about.

"So what's the puzzle gonna be like?" You ask him, hoping to yank him back to the here and now.

"Oh no you don't, I won't reveal my genius so easily."

"Ok now I really need to know. You make them yourself?"

"Every last one. Frisks loves them too. Really everyone does."

"I'm told puzzles were a big part of their journey." You confirm.

"As it should, they're an essential part of monster life. A mix of diversions and door keys. It's good for the developing mind." He then proceeds to gesture at himself like a lady in waiting. "Especially when you have an expert like myself at the other end providing with the incentive as well as the challenge necessary for just the perfect puzzle solving experience."

"You're making me wanna u-turn straight to Ebbot right now." You half-joke, waiting for the light to turn in direction of the repair-shop, despite your words.

"Patience, human, my puzzles are not going anywhere. I'd still have to recalibrate them when I arrive."

"I thought you said magic is magic."

"Of course, but I'm not an accomplished alchemist with a philosopher stone that can materialize things at my whim." He looks at the light as you turn and you hear him mutter. "And make me immortal." You hum and finish your turn.

"If you figure that one out, keep it to yourself."

"You said to tell NASA."

"That's too much power for one scientist to have." You throw back at him since he seems to want to be that way. "Also how long have we been dating that parenting, mortality and the nature of magic are the topics we're on?" You ask as you find a place to park.

"Don't forget the nature of our relationship and my childhood." He says. "Wowie, we're getting old already! We also need a better hobby." He contemplates, getting down before you have the chance to tell him to wait for you because apparently he's not having you doing your job today if he's going to know any enjoyment in this trip. Immediately he seems to dislike the place, either that or he finds the grease stains and the 'state' of the heavy equipment very fascinating.

You expect him to complain. He doesn't. He just stares at it. You think he's charging his laser. Apparently not this time. This time he sees you and follows you inside, his grin looking like it's there against his will. His fucking eye lights are missing and it's frankly terrifying.

You have an awkward little dance at the door as he seems to insist with his body language that you walk in first but this is soon forgotten with an apologetic smile and with greeting some of your acquaintances, and introducing him. "Nelson! Papyrus this is Nelson, he's never here."

"Don't listen to her. She's the missing person on the milk carton."

"Sure I am. This is Tyler, he runs the shop."

"I've been trying to kick these jackasses out for years. Help me." Tyler fake-pleads at Papyrus while you steer him to a chair around where the bikes are parked. A custom sportster triumph that you wa-ant real fucking bad to be precise.

"That's terribly rude. Ask nicely?" You decide to rescue him by the time they're laughing because now he's fucked, now they like him and Gabriel is up and on his way to get him a beer.

"Papyrus buddy what's your poison?" Gabriel asks from the old fridge behind the tire racks. Papyrus looks like he's trying to think fast, and bless his soul he's trying to blend in. Maybe you don't need to rescue him.

"Soda" he boasts, thinking he was the absolute toughest monsterfucking skeleton in the valley apparently, if his tone is to be believed.

"I guess there's a light beer on the back of this fridge somewhere." Gabriel tells him purposefully, making them laugh and joke about it. He gets up, thinking they were issuing him a challenge and gets a soda from the vending machine.

"So what brings you out of hiding? We thought you finally ran that death-trap off a cliff."

"You wish, Gabriel, you wish."

"Oh I do." He mock-confirms with a fake sadistic grin. "Can't wait for you to drop dead." He's lying and you know it.

"No such luck, no I've been busy, but not too busy. I could stand to be busier right around next weekend." You admit.

"Weekends are pretty crowded. All I've got for you is a pair of new rims. We can install them if he's cool with it."

"Actually I'd rather not bother him, he's got puzzles to do." Speaking in code is a pain in the ass. So he needs a driver, but Papyrus can't be involved. Got it. At least Gabriel understands cause he just nods and sits to throw some more jokes around. You'll call him when you go back home for the logistics, he'll take the information to you and you'll make s killing. Good stuff.

"I very much do, my puzzles are amazing."

"Speaking of which I can't wait to try them, I'll see you all later, gotta get this one back home. Thanks for the beer." You tell them after a while of this and get back to the car with him. His trepidation with the machines seems to not bother him as much anymore, now that he knows who owns them and that they're nice people. Ok so they're not really but Papyrus doesn't need to know that.

He does throw the contents of the can out the window when he thinks he's out of sight. "Your friends are really cool! They seem obsessed with cars and inside jokes." He comments. So a little more perceptive than you thought. Alright, you're definitely going to be more careful next time. He judges your silence and you feel your sins crawl down your back.

Ebbot is a science to park in but everywhere is a science to park in. Because you can't park in the mountain, you have to park on it. And you can't park close to the entrance you have to park at a corner grill and go there and on foot. At least this logistic has gotten the owners of that grill and bar a lot of movement. You get out of the car with him and his observations are forgotten.

"You should bring your gloves, snow is involved and there will be a lot of walking." He warns. And your jacket- don't wear them yet, bring water too. Here." He says, making sure your shirt is open for the presumed heat and taking these items he's recommending and with a sharp almost cellphone like sound he brings his hand down and makes buttons on an invisible touchscreen. Then makes these water bottles, gloves and jacket vanish like a god-damn magician. You want to keep giving him things.

"Can you hold my hat?"

"Sure!" That's so cool.

"Actually I'm gonna wear sandals first, can you put my sneakers in there?" You hand them over one by one.

"Give here. There." Awesome! One more, one more!

"I probably need to keep notes, have the notebook, here's the pencil-"

"And we're done." He says.

"What do you mean done?"

"I mean that with this not only do I have to leave the empty can in your car but my inventory is full. I can carry one more item but I'll be aware of it, and it's going to slow me down."

"Its in your magic though."

"I don't make the rules, human. Trust me, you don't want that." He warns before you're off. Now you feel like you want to leave some of these things, what if he's straining something to carry your stuff?

"Give me the sneakers- what?" You start to say but pause to ask at his knowing look when he returns your sneakers. "Are you messing with me?" He cracks and laughs. "Don't make me hit you with this sandal." He laughs harder as you brandish it at him.

"No, no, I really don't have any more space. But you didn't need this and I know it. You just looked so entertained I couldn't stop you." He admits.

"Oh man, we are dorks." You breathe with the dying laughter, pause to take a breath and change your shoes again as he paces about and around the car, anxious to leave already. "I'll be there soon."

"There's no hurry." he lies, caught rushing you with his body language.

"Ok" you cover for him. This calms him. Soon enough you're walking with him again.

Ok the barrier is super creepy. Like, unnatural looking, even inactive as it was. You wonder what would happen to someone actually standing here when this thing turns on. Judging by the power walk Papyrus was doing and the fact that he grabbed you hand on the way in in an absent gesture you assume nothing good.

You're careful to walk around the flowers and come up to a really nice view. The entrance is the castle then. You want to stray off and look at everything. This looks really cool. You haven't been to Ebbot- please pretend while you read this- you haven't been to Ebbot before.

He seems invested in not letting you stray off and you assume there's a good reason so you stay near him. Oh how the tables have turned. But then again this is his home turf, that makes sense. This is especially true of the core. You wiper your face with a hand towel and try to ignore the ozone scent that fills you with determination- to get out of this heat. But it's getting hotter. Then suddenly there's blessed air conditioner. Something is wrong with that fountain, but there's air conditioner.

You walk past the door which opens when you stop walking in front of it and you walk down an alley to simply find hell. Hell with elevators. This place stinks. No wonder they moved out, holy crap. "I'm going to melt. What do they feed that kid?" You complain. Yet somehow you were determined to get to this snow that shouldn't exist to do these puzzles that hadn't been calibrated yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have a very strict gun-control policy: If there's a gun around I want to be in control of it" - Clint Eastwood

Once you got past hotland things got much better, you were walking with him in this Waterfall place and it was beautiful, from start to finish, people lived here, this was amazing. You wouldn't have been able to take your eyes off the glowing rocks in the ceiling but then there were glowing rocks and lanterns on the path to also catch your eye. Papyrus looked like he could navigate without so much as turning them on, but turned them on anyway, occasionally just straying ahead from you to light a lantern and reveal a new path for a few seconds.

"You did this everyday?"  
"Not everyday, some days. We do have a system for this, human." He corrects you and soon you become distracted again.  
"That's a mushroom- oh look at it squeak!" This little mushroom was cute, and a switch, neat! You want fifty. He observes you for a moment, trying to piece your behavior together.  
"So you don't like puppies but you do like squeaky mushrooms. Wowie, human, those are some complex emotions."  
"Plants don't pee the carpet or nibble on the car seats. They're just there, peaceful and beautiful. And this one squeaks."  
"If you like that then you'll love the echo flowers."

You wonder for a moment what he means, then he shows you what has to be the most amazing plant you've ever seen. They kind of glow in this light, they're huge and they speak. And they're flowers, pretty flowers. You don't even want to talk to them either, you just want to hear them chatter and, well, echo. This was so interesting! These sounds, as well as that nearby river's activity, this was amazing. You get closer to said river so you suppose you'll see more of these things.

You don't expect to see the trash, there was so much trash, everywhere. Piles of it. Well, what a wonderful first impression your people left, good lord. The worst part is that it doesn't even surprise you, just leaves you with a feeling of 'yeah, that's about right, humans would forget people live down-river and they would dump their trash into their water supply'. In fact you reason that this could be worse. You don't intervene much, other than to look over one particular pile to realize someone organizes this. Someone make the effort of pushing the tires out of the water and into proper tire piles, emptying the water from them. As well as the cooler and the cannibalized computer frames. Interesting.

"Tell me this isn't the path you had to take home everyday. I'd have to punch some people." You joke.  
"Don't be silly, human. Violence is not the answer. We already recycle a lot of this. In fact there's two local businesses that use these items. Some of this has also helped Temmie re-direct the materials her education has helped her re-purpose."  
"Temmie?" This earns you a little trip into the sea of 'Hoi' that is the Temmie village. Temmie was a village of dorks with dork history and dork culture and a dork market with dork friends and then there was a bob. They were weird and nice and you were happy for them. From a safe distance.

That didn't stop you from browsing their store. Then came across something really magical. A carbon fiber plated armor with the silliest cat design you've ever seen. "Oh my god, does it come in plain design? Wait, wait, does it come in vests?" You ask.

"Tem forge with a highly cultural design. Tem proud of Tem's craft. Signature is required."

"Hm, what am I saying? I'll take it. I need one that will fit him."

"Human?" The time has come, you realize gravely. There is a time in every girlfriend's life where she has to stoop to cajoling. You didn't think it would be so soon. So you brace yourself, then attach yourself to Papyrus's bony arm.

"Papyrus look at it! It's carbon plating! I know it doesn't stop a bullet point blank and knives might be a problem but the advantage is so palpable-" at this point he's just staring at you like you have turned into a beast he can't grasp "-I bet the defenses can be seen in the stats too."

"I don't know what that is but now part of me wants five and part of me wants to not get it at all. What is this feeling?" He jokes.

"Oh no, I don't want you to get it, I will, I want you to wear it."

"Wowie, absolutely not!" Yeah you should've seen this coming. "Not unless I get glasses to match!" Wait what?

"Okay. Um, yes I'll take one." you confirm and she's delighted by the fact that you can afford it either that or it gives her the intense vibrating shivers. "Where can I buy glasses?" You ask, regretting the question when you find out that only one place sells glasses in the underground. And when you reach this turtle you find out these are also relatively useless. You try to clean them but this only pushes the dirt around. "Never mind, Papyrus this is probably a bigger hazard." You warn but he tosses on the entire set anyway.

"Nonsense, human! Who needs to see when you look as great as me?" He doesn't sound so sure but at least for a while today he's gonna wear this and you know it. Hopefully not to recalibrate those puzzles. "Besides your constant and frankly paranoid concern is somewhat touching." He admits. You don't almost hear a victory ding in your head, of course not.

You hold his scarf and look at the weird quirk on the vertebrae of his neck, as if the bone had one jagged line of a darker ivory. That was weird. It wasn't neat either, if this was a tattoo it was a strange design for one. But it looked more like a perfectly sealed fracture. Which had horrifying implications that remain even with the scarf back in place.

Soon you're off again, into the rain- wait this isn't rain. The cavern's own formations have eroded like this, it seems, and the river above has taken over this portion of the cave. Do they know how dangerous this could be? Probably, because people don't live here specifically. The statue with the umbrella is heartwarming and you hope none of this caves in for it's sake, you reassure yourself that it hasn't for a thousand years, it won't now. Is it you or is the water getting colder?

It turns out not to be you because Papyrus takes the coat out of his inventory and hands it over, along with your gloves. "You're rattling, human." He tells you as he does. "Here" he offers without batting an eye socket at the different expression.

The cave surface takes a more familiar pattern, more akin to what you'd see in movies and tv-shows. And eventually you hear the wind actually howl against some of the cavern surface and whistle in places. There's another of these little sentry posts and snow, at first on the floor but soon blowing past you and eventually falling less abnormally, it still looked like it was being carried in by a wind current but not as aggressively as before. There was Ice blocks floating down river, though, and it was far more unnatural looking than anything else. So you ask, fascinated.

"How does that happen?"  
"What? The ice? The cubes?"  
"I've never seen anything like it in nature, how does it happen?"  
"I think it's a wolf that carves it?"  
"Like religiously think there's a wolf carving these in myth?"  
"Like literally a neighbor who lives up the town." He answers with an amused grin at your bad guess. "Here let me show you." You realize this is a town. And a homely town that believed it was December, permanently December, who had garages and weird little snow-domes a Christmas tree and a bar and grill. Who carve ice for no discernible reason and just put it in the water in working shifts.

So really the surface in October. Especially now with the wolves and skeletons. You wander around with him and wonder about the lights for a second before you're distracted by the cool snow, just everywhere. You see people live here, some monsters more monstrous than the others but you weren't going to judge. Instead you watch Papyrus get some tools and work on what look like actual spikes. You have a intrusive racist thought about skeleton monsters and dungeons, then mentally scold yourself for it.

You feel even more like an idiot when fixing the spikes calibrates a harmless set of X's and O's on the floor, from O's to X'. He leads you to stand safely at the other side of it and seems outright excited about the little standard college programming 101 exercise. You don't remember right away how to make a robot do this but you do remember how to do it yourself. The good part is that unlike the robot video game you won't explode when you do this wrong.

He silently charges his laser from your results and soon enough "That was a single try! Amazing human! But alas this was but a warmup for your next challenges! You just wait!" He promises, then before you can imagine anything less than the dorkiest laugh imaginable in the planet he gives off a bond villain level of "NYEH HEH HEH!" And is off, leaving you alone with the space where the spikes once were. You call after him:

"Give me your best shot, dork!" He was your dork. Well, knocking on wood and barring that you weren't reading his signals wrong- correction: He was your dorky complicated status on facebook.

This goes on for a few minutes of puzzle after puzzle, walk on X's, only once, turn into O's, don't slip on the ice and break your neck. Don't mention his footprints on the snow, yes, like that, look him in the eye lights and lie to his pretty face. Ok that was a challenging puzzle, not the maze, but initially whistling really sharply across it and reminding him he has the orb in his hand so he takes the right path to you instead of getting electrocuted, then handing it over and lying about how you passed the test.

None of the other puzzles were this tense. You simply do a number of tasks and stare at a strange tile rug that seems to have no function right now that he grumbles about wishing he could show you, something about color tiles that actually sounds like it could pose a real challenge. You admit you have no pen for the puzzle Sans prepared but it doesn't seem doable anyway. Unless you replaced a letter. You point this out to him and seem to unlock pandora's box because he seems convinced that it can be solved. Then finally you take his pencil and end it by circling the words in the bottom list instead of ones in the word soup. This has earned you a look for a moment as Papyrus seems skeptical about your answer but puts it away like it says a lot about you.

You eventually reach the end of this puzzle run and go with him to get some cinnamon something or other- oh these are super cute. Of course they are. Cute seems to be an aesthetic down here. "Wait here, human, I will get something really quick" he tells you. You nod and look at the stuff in the store, then meander through Snowdin and engage a bear in a conversation about politics. He has some real things to say, good to know there's people keeping it a 100 in all walks of life. Then look at that tree and ask about it, and find out it's ok to put your brothers in leashes in public but you should strive for putting stripes on your children's clothes.

You find out that magic influences every aspect of their lives but only in subtle ways, the way your own biology influences yours. This has you wondering and you meander some more instead of waiting where you were, he could call, you had cellphones. So you go into their librabry. These can't be the only written passages they have, that can't- yes it can, this is what near annihilation looks like. Much of what they read was not written by their own ancestors and it's outright heartbreaking. But damn it if they don't have things unique to them.

You can tell a lot from a society from their funerary rites, which are rare among the species of the Earth but associated with sentience and intelligence. It's obvious that they would be no exception, these are people after all. They have a very post-modern view of the world. After so many years of being cut off from the surface. Very interesting. Maybe a real scholar, an anthropologist probably, could tell you what that means, but for now you chose not to think about that.

The orange bookcase calls your attention immediately upon picking up a book and leafing to a page that can make every hair in your body stand on end. If this was true then training, when it came to life or death, was almost meaningless to a monster. Human bodies are a solid object with laws of biology reigning on every function so in order to become physically stronger they need to accustom the body to all manner of things, like movement, precision, coordination and the like. With monsters and their magic something else entirely applies. Their intentions are what can harm them and the way they can harm people.

Papyrus doesn't need a bulletproof vest, you realize, Papyrus should live in a fortress with mounted turrets and a security gate. In fact what you just bought for him, you realize to your disappointment, is completely useless. Good to know. The green bookcase is a well-earned jab. You don't even blame them for that one. One only needs to know a bit of history and to look at the garbage dump for that context so you also choose not to think about it.

'Powerful SOUL' huh. You decide there is no way for Papyrus to defend himself from a human. This is is still your job. Fighting a human for you is easy. As aforementioned you work towards being able to do so with every dumbbell you grab and every punching bag you attack. Ok so not easy, but after many years let's just say most humans aren't the problem. According to this monsters might not be either. For reasons you rather not recall let's just say ridding yourself of unnecessary emotions to end a life is not going to be the problem either. And you don't lie to yourself. One never knows. Killing a monster could prove necessary in your line of work. So your best bet is to remain close to Papyrus at all times. And maybe study this intention situation more. And research some combat maneuvers you may be out of practice for.

As for your explorations here, they seem to be at an end for now and just in time, so you call Papyrus. He isn't far either, as he's returning without the foggy glasses this time but with this kind of frankenstein icicle that splits in two. Good stuff! He seemed sheepish about the time it took him to retrieve the confection but it was drowned by how proud of himself for the results he felt. He should be. You can't imagine bringing yourself to have to see this sweetheart poof into dust. Yeah, maybe you need to not let him run off ever again, ever, please and thank you.

"Human we should head home." Papyrus tells you, which you agree with with a silent amusement at the word 'home' now that you know the king will apparently call any and every roof his loved ones reside in this very word. And then repeat 'new' as necessary. You follow him back and only when you do your curiosity gets the better of you and you read some signs on the way there.

"Uh, Papyrus have you seen any gods around down here?" You ask him jokingly as you eye the signs at waterfall while following him.

"None that I can recall, Human." He assures you, leaving you in the dark about how literally you should have taken his statement. You return with him to your car and by the time you emerge it's obscenely late and you don't like the idea of driving at this hour already.

"I'm so tired." You complain. "Papyrus never drive while tired, it's as bad as driving under the influence." You half-grumble and half teach, sitting in the car to do just as you said not to.

"You're doing it." He scolds, sort of amused by your plight. "Alright, come on, come on." He finally urges, getting you to relinquish the damn keys so he could drive instead.

"Aren't you tired?" You ask, so sleepy you're going along with this.

"Oh no, human, not at all." He reassures you, adjusting his seat, then adjusting it more, then adjusting all the mirrors down to exact measurements. This reassures you, that and how punctual he is with his seat-belt. So you decide to lean on your elbow against the window and let him drive. You might as well rest since you need to drive back to your own house after he inevitably drives to his.

He makes his home without incident, blessedly, and you wake when he takes one of the traffic stops and you realize it's storming something obscene. This had you awake the rest of the way in case you needed to point something out in the road. It isn't necessary and the paranoia, as always, leaves you more tired than when you tried to rest. He urges you out of the car when you arrive and you approach him to take the keys. "Thanks for the date you irresistibly kind soul you, now get out of the rain and into your house so I can sleep when I get home." You insist in the cold rain with a tired grin. He grins back in a way that surprisingly doesn't part the clouds and reveals the moonlight. Stubborn clouds don't know a good thing when they see it. Fuck you're so tired.

"Well I am very great." He humbly admits. Cinnamon roll. "-did you say date?" He adds hopefully. Sinnamon roll. You want to get home, you have heavy lifting tomorrow, you don't have time for this. So whatever, you kiss his hand over his glove.

"Love, your booming voice is dulcet tones but I'm lack of sleep and eye bags, give me the keys please." You plead, semi-romantically.

"What keys?" He breaks into a sweat. Oh no. No please don't grow morals here and now, please.

"Mine, which I will use to carefully and safely drive home with the manual in mind and with all proper signals I promise, give me them."

"I advise against it."

"I insist."

"I highly advice against it. Very highly."

"Fine, go in so I can sleep in the car-" he makes to say something "your brother won't like it, don't suggest it." You interrupt, rudeness of the act duly noted and ignored in favor of the hour.

"First you call him a princess and now this, truly you don't know my brother." What did he mean? He was your employer, he does employer things right? Like hammer signs that say 'no fun allowed' into the ground with the gavel used to judge the souls of employees into hell, no?

"Come human." Fine, you think following him into the house and letting him retrieve some towels as you make a mental account of your clothes. Nobody will care if tomorrow your clothes aren't completely ironed. You only need to be wearing them. Which means certain adjustments, taking care of them really quick as best as you can and sleeping in Papyrus's clothes. You'd give bullshit like social propriety importance if you had time. As it is? Who really cares? Papyrus won't mind. Sans doesn't have an excuse to not understand and you don't care so it's settled.

There's some talk upstairs as you remove what you can ahead, drying your shoes as properly as possible, grateful for your coat's safety back in the car and drying the belt quickly. You go to the bathroom, and hand-wash your underwear. Blessedly Papyrus hands you what you need by opening the door a fraction, mainly because you hold the other side. So you're able to hang these to dry out by a window eventually. You've had to mcguyver yourself through much worse than this. It's too easy.

You keep your current policy of not giving a fuck, go to his room, marvel at the presence of a race car bed for a confusing moment and roll to a corner of it to curl up and start sleeping. Given the workout today you can sleep on hay. Normally you couldn't but that always depends on the day's activities.

You wake in the middle of the night at a thud of an object hitting a wall really hard with a quick motion, pinning Papyrus into wakefulness under you and looking around the dark room. Nothing. It came from near your feet, or did it? There's nothing here but the groaning from under you. "I'm safe" Papyrus groans, rubbing your side. "Safe, now sleep" He insists a faint orange glow blinking in and out of existence from under you.

So you curl against him as if daring the darkness itself and the lightnings outside to try to take this good thing in your life from your cold dead fingers. When you wake up you wake up to him insisting you do. "Human, you'll be late. This is no time to be lazy." He scolds you out of a dream, ironically one that involves his humming voice. You hum the rest of the tune and you nuzzle him as you do before getting up and going to change, enjoying that blush he gets and the way the seem to appreciate the attentions. You especially like that he's not necessarily complaining. Or complaining at all about that, only about how lazy you are. You mentally agree, it's 6, not 4AM.

But alas you practically fly to the bathroom and get changed as quickly as you can before hurrying down and greeting Sans before he could land that smirk on Papyrus and get chewed for it. Oh, OH he was THAT kind of older brother. Good to know. "I love you, cinnamon bun, bye." You say quickly to Papyrus and are out the door as quickly as possible to the sound of Sans calling a joking 'I love you too, spicy sauce' then getting irritably corrected, presumably beginning the teasing storm for poor Papyrus. You're getting the poor guy something nice.

Fuck, you need to feed and walk the dog too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Be advised, I'm mean nasty and tired. I eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I could fire a round through a fleas ass at 300 yards. So why don't you hump somebody else's leg mutt-face before I push yours in." - Clint Eastwood.

"Be specific" you tell nobody in particular the moment you sit down. Mercifully you are given the instructions as specifically as you demand. Hours, locations and the like. You do these things as detached as humanly possible. You have little sleep and dog smell- mercifully covered by the smell of car oil, which is stronger. Stage one was easy, it was moving into the countryside to find a research station. A heavily fortified research station.

At 11:AM you were already there, it was a good distance, 2 hours in a Maserati, not an easy feat in a car that doesn't do the mechanical changes and isn't as proven on the track as yours is. With yours? Entirely too easy. The place is nice, potentially sanitary in there. But on the outside it was being taken over again by nature. There were patrols, simple ones at first, a private company probably. Very private. Either that or so public that they chose to wear no identifying marks. You hope for the former.

They had one hell of a wifi plan. Otherwise what was the giant antennae pointing in the vague direction of the mountain for? You assume it does this for some nerdy electromagnetic reason but you make note of it anyway. "Not doing well for my sympathy there." You tell your target- or rather you tell yourself in the car, speaking with your target in a manifestation of incredibly sound sanity, you're sure. But in your defense it almost looks like your target has an antennae pointed to your boyfriend's old house.

Not here. You remind yourself simply and get out of the car to fetch your janitor uniform.

Soon enough you're pretending to come in from the garbage dump. Key cards. This much you anticipated, you start putting the trash bags from the parking area into your large container and patrol the non-classified area with this overlooked excuse. Nothing beats knowing the faces of your personnel, you reason, because so far this is working and it shouldn't be.

You eventually manage to snatch a card from someone and you use this to get inside as casually as if you belong here. Easy access to computers did not necessarily mean that you had to be at the right computer, a personal one attached to the right communication panel in the right closet with the door locked works just as well. So you find what you came for. Don't read it, you tell yourself. And do exactly the opposite.

And fuck does it ever blow up in your face. Geothermal information, a plant operating on magic and technology, not a shabby plant either. A doctor who encrypts everything he writes- wait, this translates to windings- ok a doctor who double encrypts everything he writes. You keep copying. There's information on a massive project involving monster magic and- ah that's interesting, that's for you. You copy the last of it and make a quick exit.

You notice someone coming in to talk to you so you talk. "Good afternoon, Ma-am." You greet when you are approached for conversation.

"Lunch soon?" She asks. You smile uncomfortably.

"I hope so, I'm a little behind on cleaning the trashcans but I brought lunch with me so that helps speed things up." You confess. Implying with your body language that you're in a hurry to be rid of her but are braving it for the sake of actually keeping your job as a janitor, which you're sick of.

She clearly notices but doesn't care. Douche. The staff must love her. "Didn't see you this morning for coffee." She tells you. Fuck she knows.

"I like to eat at home."

"U-huh" wrong answer. Plan B. How is that the wrong answer? You hope she's just paranoid and it's not what you think it is. You push that thought aside and look around. Your glance costs you because she takes a step back and both of you move at once.

You throw the trash cart at her and use your weight to pull it over you both so you can trip her and kick her abdomen. It's solid enough, security after all. It works, though, she's out of balance but she calls for backup. You land your knuckles hard against her face, not exactly measuring where they should land but just that you want that lower area if possible. You miss and break her nose. Lucky break- hah, pun.

You don't stay to inspect the job and instead grab the computer to make a run for it after snatching her gun. You yank the fire alarm on the way and slam your fingers on a nearby intercom. "Attention all personnel, this is not a drill, the geothermal plan has gone unstable. Readings are proving unreliable" at this point you can hear everyone muttering for confirmation and leaving their desks "Please exit in a quick yet orderly fashion." You ask in a voice so gentle you'd make a flight attendant proud. You find the emergency exists when they do and use their exiting as cover. This distracts some of the security personnel who have yet to coordinate which emergency they will respond to first.

This does nothing for you outside of the facility but it helps you get there. Outside you're forced to use the gun. To hit people with, of course, you're not insane. Gunfire attracts security and bystanders were not worth putting in this position, mercy is a luxury you still have, like taking a swim in an expensive pool.

You shove someone out with your entire body and use the momentum to both open part of the gate and get them to not shoot at you. The sprint starts there but soon enough you're guarding your pace. You parked far. Soon enough you're rapidly shifting through the car's ignition process and are moving down the road at 90mph before they have the chance to coordinate their pursuit. You don't let up this speed. You're not here to play with them, you're here to push this baby to up to 180 and simply vanish from even their imagination.

It's not them that worry you. They had this information for years if the porn you found along with it was any indication, it's as is often the case, your employer and what your employer will do with it. Figures you're involved with the job. Time to simply play both sides.

Finding the drop off point gives you ample time to realize you hit your foot somewhere and are bleeding from the lower ball of said foot for some reason- the fence, you remember. That's annoying. Running probably made it worse. Again very annoying. Now you smell like dog, blood, oil and sweat too.

It also gives you time to eat your lunch. Which you did actually pack. You sit in your car and do this while propping your offending foot up on the dashboard to keep most of that blood in you and look over the files again. You could come clean with the files, nice and legal and incriminating where you make not a single penny- you look at your foot and decide there's no way you're not getting paid for that- or you could deliver, get paid and fuck them over. You hate unpaid overtime but it's better than nothing.

There's a voice in your head, a dying voice that a skeleton has slapped a good couple of times into submission that tells you you could follow your own damn professional code and just not get involved at all. Nah, you get a sweet tailbone out of this and get to keep it safe too, call it a cross-job precaution.

You finish your sandwich and your juice and get back on the road. Not dizzy yet, good stuff. Eventually you reach that dropout point and hand the package over in peace. "What the hell happened? You smell like shit." Your client complains. You laugh. This does not amuse him at first but the look you give him has him shaking his head and laughing at your apparent plight. After all, like a friend told you once, it's all fun and games until someone looses an eye; then it's hilarious.

"Everything happened. But the package is secure and nobody's following me." You tell him. "I think I brought half the damn fence in my foot, though, tell me you have a shower in here." You add with that same humor and he shrugs and brings you in. You take the chance to memorize them as much as you can, trying to get familiar with everyone here. Even your clothes need changing so you use that wetsuit to your advantage.

As it turns out you're not wrong. The barb wire in the fence dug into you in various places, the foot's just where it looked most terrifying because it crossed the side of your shoe. Nothing some stitches won't patch up later and some bandages and tape- yes tape- won't fix now in butterfly shapes. You stay to play some cards and talk business and be payed a handsome amount. Nobody double-crosses you, you're criminals, not imbeciles. Hell right now nobody would dare open fire and shit on the business deal with the wrong kind of attention.

Nobody asks questions either, this includes you. So you play and make jokes with who are these? Jamie, Scott, Kim and Pedro. Jamie's the tall one, Pedro's the fluent english speaking one who's not drinking in the corner where latino stereotypes go to die. Kim wishes they were playing Overwatch and it shows and Scott's a fucking bond villain. It's hi-fucking-sterical. He's actually cleaning his knife, that's adorable. Oh bless his heart he has a cheek scar.

You find out they have their own drop off point, or so they think, but no, Mr. Bond villain here wants the thing for himself. Probably for some sort of diabolical scheme involving the information and his no-doubt underground base of operations where he has one inept guard watching over the sharks with lasers on their heads, you've seen this movie.

This would have gone swimmingly if Papyrus hadn't shown up in his car to the perplexed stares of everyone involved only to smile at Pedro and open the trunk, then told him to "hold this for me human, thank you." And had him hold some tools to change a rim. Shit fuck damn it he took you literally. He thinks you're changing the fucking rims of your car.

"Hey, who are you?" They ask, tone defensive and intimidating. He catches onto their hostility surprisingly quickly and smiles in a way that says he only wants to make friends. Then his cape catches the wind as he gestures at himself heroically. This can't be happening to you right now.

"I am the great Papyrus!"

"He's with me." You come clean, unable to watch this for a second longer. "Can I talk to you for a second, Papyrus?" You ask him. There goes your credibility, fuck, this was supposed to be clean. You bring him aside as he watches your shoes without blinking as he follows you. "Came to help me change those rims?"

"Of course, I was thinking about what happened last night and I am, of course, the greatest boyfriend so I came to lend you my tools." He assures you. You smile because really the entire situation is hysterical.

"Such a sweetheart, love." He blushes orange at this. "I could use this jack. Which means you can go home now, I'll see you there." He looks incredibly skeptical about it all. Damn time to bribe. "I was thinking about bringing you to a third date to a movie or to the Bahamas, anything." You offer. "Or for a few drinks." You add, practically shoving him back in his car.

"You're injured, human." Fuck that tone was serious, if these motherfuckers cost you your relationship you were taking that briefcase and shoving their guns up their own asses, you swear to yourself.

"It was a stubborn rim. Please let me meet you when- what are you doing to my foot?" Of course he heals the fucking sick, of fucking course he does. How could you forget? "In fact let me drive you out of here." You insist but it's too late.

"Actually why don't you stay for a drink?" Scott asks.

"Um well-" You start

"That sounds great! Right human?" He tells you.

"Delightful." You deadpan. Fuck your day. These assholes better behave, they better get along like little fucking Fonzies in here. Thankfully the most that happens is that they seem to find the whole ordeal incredibly amusing. Which should have worried you more than it did at the time.

You sit there and they ask him what he is to you right away. "My client-"

"-and amazing boyfriend!" No, no no no, fuck. You grin and bear it. Much to your relief they go along with you. You should know better than to trust it but in the moment you have more of an interest in keeping Papyrus from arguing with you just yet than to keep them from recognizing him later. "I'm here to help her change her rims."

"Yep, I was trying to tell him I did that already."

"Yes, Papyrus, I'm afraid we got that covered. Turns out Pedro liked the rims better than she did, we put those in his car." Kim offers.

"Speaking of home things, Papyrus why don't I follow you back in my car?" You ask him, sounding hopeful that he could make sure you arrive safely. His eyes actually light up brighter, you're sure of it.

"Of course human! But first you're coming over and we're healing some of those cuts." He tells you, is he still concerned about that? Good lord. You agree, anything to get him to leave with you. You check his car and get in yours, following him back home. How did he know you were out here? That was- was he better than you at your own game? That's the only explanation clearly. His brother does not occur to you once.

You get to his place and only then do you realize he's taking your injuries and all the dirt caking your car more seriously than you anticipated. He practically sits you on the couch and gets to work on your dumb little scrapes. "Hey, it's fine."

"It's not. You're lying to me." He tells you. Shit. Shit fuck. Any backup? You think when you hear Sans close his bedroom door, effectively abandoning you to your well-deserved fate. Well that answers that. "I just don't know why." Papyrus continues. It's ok, you deserve this, he can't hurt you by being mad at you. "Was it something I did?" No, no, abort mission! He can! He can hurt you!

"No, baby no." You assure him immediately, grabbing his hands and pulling him to sit with you. "You know how I get by now, I'm crazy private with my things." You admit, leaning on him.

"You didn't need the jack, you were just trying to make me feel better." Wait, that's what he thought you were lying about? Oh thank God.

"I know, love, I know." You assure him. "I didn't want you to think I didn't need you. And I do, just- next time I'll ask you for help in time, ok?" You kiss his cheekbone and he seems distracted enough by that. You hum in an idle tone and add "I like your car." This seems to make him happy.

"Yes, it's red and it's a convertible, of course!" You smile fondly to yourself as you watch him go. "I didn't even know you could change the rims for it- well I knew you could change the entire tire in the case of an emergency but not the rim and not for fun! Are my rims good?"

"Factory rims are good when in doubt." You tell him. "It depends on if you're willing to let your car stand out." You add, wondering if he was in the kind of espionage business that warranted making his car as standard as possible.

"Well stand out with style, of course!" He isn't. You conclude.

"Alright, Papyrus, I should go home."

"I could, maybe go with you? I haven't been to your home yet!" He offers. The effort is adorable and you're so fucking tired. But then again there was this policy of living fast and hard and this sounded fast and hopefully hard.

You give him a lift to your place, which will be horrible for your sleep and he greets the dog. The ungrateful little shit actually makes an excited bee-line for him and doesn't even track mud on his legs, instead pawing the floor impatiently and whining until Papyrus rubs him like it's the most delightful thing in the world. Ironically you like the dog when Papyrus is around. Like you can handle this, interacting with them both when the dog isn't a chore but instead is a behaving little beast who's cute and makes Papyrus smile.

Still, you're on a mission. So you tell him, leaning on the front table in the foyer. "I'll go take care of some music and then I need to change out of these for once in two days, is that ok, big guy?" This gets his attention, this really gets his attention because he nods at the puppy as if he's the most interesting puppy on the damn planet and if he looks away the world will be consumed in volcano fire.

For all this awkwardness you mentally reward the "yeah" he chokes out when you yank your tie off with a rough sound of fabric on fabric. Poor abused tie. You have no mercy to offer it. This is how you find yourself changing into a dress shirt and a pair of chinos. The shoes are brown now but that's because the black ones are done forever. So you don't bother with a belt. You go back to find him outside in the back, looking at the plants there with the puppy but more interested in the 'contraptions' you keep to train yourself with.

You think he must find that intimidating. You decide to distract him. So you wrap your arms around his spine, an easy feat, really, there's not even clothes there to stop you and you smile at him reassuringly when he tenses. "Hey, are you ok? Feeling any better?" You ask gently.

"I feel great, actually." He says. You toy with his gloves then. So he does subtle when it's convenient for him. No wait, scratch that, he's taking them off. Alright so blunt it is. There's one thing you want to do before he gets carried away, so you tug him in and kiss his teeth, not expecting this to feel nice. It does, in it's own way, like with everything that involves him. The important tidbit here is that he seems to enjoy it. You could work with that.


	7. Chapter 7

I know, no chapter yet, it's been a few minutes, but I thought you guys would get a kick out of this XD


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